Captain Fryer leaves the Cooke Street Diner sipping his grande, triple shot, no foam, skinny soy latte. Fryer’s phone rings, it’s HPD telling him there is a DOA in an alley somewhere. Fryer mumbles his response and I’m guessing he’s on his way to the crime scene. I’m guessing because I don’t speak Mumble. When he arrives, it looks awfully quiet for a crime scene. There are no cop cars, nothing. Not even a DOA. Fryer makes a quick phone call and determines that there was never any report officially made.
Suddenly, he spies a pair of legs lying prone on the ground behind some pallets. He draws his gun and carefully approaches the body which has faceplanted into the ground. This body looks very unlifelike, and not just because it’s dead. Oh, I get it – DOA = Dummy on Arrival. Fryer holsters his gun, turns the body over and guess what?!? It’s a mannequin, a sign pinned across its chest reading ‘GOODBYE.’ (If McG had been in this scene, you just know that sign would say ‘Take Your Pants Off.’) Whoever wrote that sign has really nice printing.
Fryer hears a noise, looks up, draws his gun and bang! Fryer gets popped in the chest, goes down and faceplants into the ground. The shooter approaches. It’s clear to all of us watching that the shooter is a female who is planning to put another bullet into Fryer just to make sure. And hey, does anybody dress like that in Hawaii? Shooter must be sweating like a stuck pig. But sneaky Fryer rolls over, and they both fire off a round at the same time.
Fryer lies there like a concrete angel. Because there’s no snow in Hawaii. The camera pans out and we get a nice overhead shot of Fryer lying there dead. Well, as nice as a shot of someone breathing their last breath and having their life flash before their eyes can be. (Not as nice as last ep’s overhead shot after the McG/Wo Fat #fighttoendallfights. You know the one – where we all wished we were Wo Fat’s arm, resting ever so comfortably against McG’s crotch. Ok, since you insist, this one.
RIP, Captain Fryer. You died without someone’s arm resting on your crotch.
The theme song begins. That theme song is so catchy. I have it as a ringtone on my phone, and whenever someone calls me, no matter where I am, people start that silly dancing. I have a fear of being at a funeral and forgetting to turn my phone off, and someone calling me. A couple of months ago I was at the dentist when my phone rang. The dentist and her assistant started dancing IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ROOT CANAL!