This week’s recap brought to you by @aliciagecko and @steph_jane2!
AliciaGecko: Hello sports fans! Welcome to our featured Crime of the Week, pitting the Five-0s of Hawaii vs. Ardus Microsystems! For today’s exciting game, I’m joined here in the recap booth by Stephanie “Junk Kicker” Jane, how you doing today, JK?
JK: Aloha everybody!
Alicia: Thanks Steph. So we’re not quite sure where we are right now, there’s a helicopter and a lot of people in full combat get-up, they’ve really pushed the boat out with the equipment for this game. One of the guys says ‘touchdown!’ as he jumps out. Bit premature there fella, we’re only 35 seconds in.
There’s a lot of shooting and a lot of people fall over, but there’s no blood and the background music is rocky and fun instead of portentous and doom-laden, so I’m guessing this is a friendly and these people are just playing dead. And just so! One of the guys gets shot in the chest but doesn’t fall over and then starts bitching about his boo boo. The friendly ends and everyone gets up EXCEPT one guy who is quite clearly not playing dead but actually is DEAD of a bullet hole in his head. Ew.
Pro Bowl weekend in lovely sunny Hawaii and even though it’s another bright and beautiful day, McG is for some reason wearing an overshirt. DOOOOOM!!! What makes it worse is that both the t-shirt AND the overshirt are blue! Can we get a group hug for Ess? I think she might need a group hug. Danny and McG are at Kamekona’s shrimp truck where Kamekona and his cousin are making some serious inroads into the payments for the helicopter by charging stupid people $30 for shrimp. Being not stupid, our intrepid heroes are only there to pick up some Pro Bowl tickets that Kamekona got for them. Also being not stupid, Kamekona has added an extra ticket for himself as an ‘inconvenience fee’.
Some conversation about quarterbacks happens here. Steph, over to you…
JK: A classic Five-0 conversation that will confuse a good portion of the domestic audience and the entirety of the international audience, offend a good portion of the viewers who do understand it and forever date the show. Great job atplenkov!
Alicia: Ew, Show, I hope you’re not trying to say something clever here about how fans shouldn’t get into arguments about who they love more out of two comparable characters players. Oh Lord, now Kamekona’s saying ‘I just hate to see you two guys fight’. This is painful. Please make it stop.
Back at the crime scene and these aren’t even military people, this is paintballing for the kind of people who want to be in the military but without the ‘risk of death’ part of it (although this has not worked out so well for the dead guy, admittedly). McG thinks they should try it sometime because it’s fantastic for team building. I think the last team that tried it might disagree with him there though since their team is actually slightly smaller than it was to begin with.
Danny also disagrees because “working with you is harrowing enough, I do not need you hunting me for sport,” and I consider pausing the playback until my giggles subside, but no need because McG replies “no, you’re right, it wouldn’t be much of a challenge” which might be true, but – wow, how condescending? Way to ruin a great line, Show.
JK: Danny just lets it go, smart play on his part.
Alicia: With the dead guy, whose name is Davis, now, and Kono says he was on a corporate retreat with a company who had the entire facility to themselves, and they deduce that he was shot at close range with a 9mm bullet. They talk to a chick from HPD Scientific Investigations Section who tells them that there’s no way that the paintball guns could be modified to fire 9mm rounds. I like her, I hope we’re going to see her again.
Then Duke (who looks remarkably well for someone who was shot in the back two episodes ago) brings them a handgun that was found fifty yards away in some scrub, so it appears that it was one of the victim’s co-workers who shot him – which of course means that it wasn’t.
The HPD chick out-McNerds McG when he says that they can’t test the other team-builders for powder traces because they were all firing weapons, by saying that they’re testing for lead because only the murder weapon fired a real bullet and then follows this up with the awesome clarica “If we find lead on one of these guys, that’s our shooter”. McNerding AND clarica? This character will be a series regular by season 5. I’m calling it now.
To the surprise of no-one, none of the team-builders is the killer. The plot thickens!
Even though there are no security cameras on the site, all the team-builders had action cameras – except for one guy who shouldn’t be there and who isn’t wearing the right headgear. First down! Duke says that it doesn’t look like they’ll get any evidence from the handgun, but even though none of the team-builders noticed the killer during the game, there was one guy called Brent who didn’t show up that morning – and he’s booked on a flight that leaves Hawaii in an hour. I think McG has blue eyeliner on. Either that or it’s so hot that his irises are melting. Oh, why did I just think that? Ew.
Oh look, we’re in the blue room on the basis of no actual evidence whatsoever. What are the odds? McG’s being aggressive and – oh God, I can barely stand to watch this bit, much less recap it. Just imagine me throwing imaginary darts at an imaginary picture of whoever the fk it is that keeps writing them like this, OK?
Then the CEO of the company turns up and he is AT LEAST as pissed off as I am. In unrelated news, when did McG change his shirt?? It is making his eyes look beautifully green though *sigh*. The CEO doesn’t think Brent could have done it, corroborated by Chin, who says that that Brent’s airline ticket was booked from his hotel at around the time of the murder. McG tries to avoid saying “terribly sorry, looks like we were a bit hasty” by saying that if this all checks out they’ll be releasing Brent shortly. Danny tries to regain some moral high ground by pointing out that the CEO is callous for wanting to go to a board meeting when one of his employees has just been murdered and they’re all behaving like jerks, frankly, and OMG I just nearly typed ‘they’re having a jerk-off in McG’s office’!! NO!!!
JK: Pretty sure McG’s irises would definitely start melting if that were the case.
Alicia: NOOOOOOOO!!!! Anyway, the board saw the dead guy as ‘just an asset’. McG’s eyelashes are immediately on the alert.